It has been a few weeks since I lasted visited this blog or had the chance to create a better web site - for this I apologise. The reason behind the lack of activity is that I was re admitted to the Mental Ward again after a couple of failed attempts of overdose - thanks to those persisting friends, who have the uncanny knack of arriving at the most (in) appropriate times. For this I thank you deeply and at the same time, rue to the fact that you care - as I truly do not.
The mere daily routine of waking up each morning is so depressing, from the point of view that I have survived another day and night.
I have since been released from hospital again, only to find that on that very night, I attempted to take my life again (and obviously failed - due to friends) and the pain that I felt that night as I reflected on why I should live - and yes the simple answer is my four beautiful boys, yet even the strength that I obtain from their existence is not enough to sustain my mere existence.
Imagine looking in the mirror each morning and truly despising the reflection that you see and immediately think why does this person continue to exist? Well in my state of total depression, I carved DIE four times into my chest and shoulders and proceeded to consume the appropriate alcohol and pills to exit this shitty life.
Once again, I awoke the following morning to find that a friend had arrived during the early part of the night to find me in a terrible state - blood everywhere and me in a fading state. Only through their training were they able to bring me back to existence and as I said awoke to find that again fate was eluding me.
Until someone has actually walked in the shoes of the abused can they ever begin to understand the daily/hourly pain that one exists in and appreciate the need to find a way out.
I have attempted this with the writing of a book on my life to date and a journal of the past 2 years of my supposed recovery process and in the fullness of time, I can only hope that my four beautiful sons (who are without qualification, the only four reasons that I have lived this long) will one day read these journals and the book at whatever stage of completion it is at and begin to appreciate, realise and understand, why I was so weak and could fight no longer.
I am sorry to disappoint so many people who have believed in me (and I am truly sorry that I cannot see the same belief that you see) and especially my family for being a coward and once again saying goodbye.
Please forgive - BUT the bastards have won.
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